UN Vows To Slap and Pull Hair if Iran Reactivates Nukes

The United Nations, the dishonest crooks dedicated world servants who brought us a decade of useless-but-profitable (for UN officials) sanctions against the evil regime of Saddam Hussein threaten to do the same to Iran.

As a public service, the Dread Pundit Bluto has translated the story below from the esoteric and arcane argot of the professional diplomat into plain English.

From the Associated Press:

VIENNA, Austria - The U.N. nuclear watchdog expressed "serious concern" Thursday over Iran's resumption of nuclear activities that could lead to an atomic bomb and diplomats said Tehran faced a September deadline to stop uranium conversion at a plant in central Iran.

Translation: "Stop it, you're scaring us. We asked really, really nice. Pretty please?"

Diplomats, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to be quoted, made clear that insufficient progress by Sept. 3 could lead the board to consider reporting Iran to the U.N. Security Council, which has the power to slap the regime with crippling sanctions.

Translation: "We'll scratch your eyes out you bitches! We...we mean it...we'll slap you!"

The International Atomic Energy Agency's 35-nation board of directors adopted a resolution that said "outstanding issues relating to Iran's nuclear program have yet to be resolved."

But it did not mention reporting the regime to the Security Council amid concerns such a move could backfire by hardening Iran's position. Iran already had said it would rather endure sanctions than back down on a program it says is a matter of national pride.

Translation: "Don't make us tell them! We'll do it, though, if you don't behave! Just you wait and see if we don't!"

European countries that have led negotiations with Iran said the resolution sent a clear message.

Translation: "The resolution shows how weak and impotent we are. If our little hissy fit doesn't work we don't know what to do."

"We still believe there is a nonconfrontational way forward if Iran wants to take it," Britain's Foreign Office said in a statement.

Translation: "We've got nothing."

Iran, which insists its nuclear program is peaceful and geared only toward producing electricity, was defiant.

"It is evident that the motive is to apply pressure," said Iran's chief IAEA delegate, Sirus Nasseri. "Fortunately, Iran will not bend. Iran will be a nuclear fuel producer and supplier within a decade."

Translation: "You filthy pig-eating infidels will burn in Allah's just and cleansing nuclear fire."

The United States and others contend it is covertly trying to build atomic weapons.

Gregory Schulte, the U.S. envoy to the IAEA, said the adoption of the resolution "shows that the international community is united in its determination that Iran move off the dangerous course that it is on."

Translation: "The international community is too stupid, corrupt, and cowardly to do anything. If push comes to shove it will be up to the US to clean up the mess while Eurotrash intellectuals and their fellow-travellers in America bitch and moan about it all."