Monday, October 10, 2005

Otulb the Terrible Explains Columbus Day

Bluto is oppressing the masses today by playing golf with his son. While Bluto amuses his atavistic capitalistic impulses with a game that celebrates the symbolic rape of oppressed peoples everywhere, I, Otulb the Terrible, shall explain to you why today is not a holiday, but an occasion to mourn with the wearing of sackcloth and the gnashing of teeth.

We are called to "celebrate" the birth of an Italian merchant prince, a rogue whose name is Anglicized to "Christopher Columbus", who we are lead to believe is responsible for the "discovery" of the "New World". Blasphemy! Columbus merely happened upon a world previously discovered by its pure, innocent, peaceful, indigenous peoples who were living in a state of equilibrium with sacred Nature. Columbus allowed all of the evil that flowed from the reactionary proto-capitalist centers of trade and commerce in Europe.

Centuries before, Leif Ericson had noted the existence of the Americas and correctly identified the inhabitants as sharing the peaceful, nature-loving tenets of his own misunderstood Viking culture. Ericson lovingly protected the environment of the American aborigines by concealing its existence from the monstrous monarchical regimes already oppressing most of Europe. The gentle Viking knew, from the oppression practiced against his people by the vicious barbarians to the south, that the rapacious Europeans would spell doom for the worthy cultures flourishing in the "New World".

But the greedy merchant princes of Italy and Spain were not to be denied. Not satisfied with their growing oppression of the peaceful Japanese and Chinese cultures, they sought a shorter route to impose their will on their Asian brothers and discovered an innocent childlike race to brutalize.

All modern evil has flowed from the voyage of Columbus. It was his "discovery" that allowed the rise of the maniacal West, through the exploitation of the resources of the Americas. Surely, Adolph Hitler would have succeeded in wiping the stain of Western civilization from the map had it not been for the intervention of the diseased oligarchy running the United States. Likewise, Brother Lenin's holy experiment in raising up the oppressed masses came to grief only through the intervention of the imperial American hegemonistic bourgeoisie and their running dog lackeys in NATO. Even today, the vile scions of American imperialist exploiters afflict and oppress our peaceful Muslim brothers in pursuit of the Holy Oil.

Otulb the Terrible invites you to join him in cursing the memory of the evil merchant prince who has brought so much suffering into the world.

Down with Christopher Columbus! Vile Oppressor of Generations and Tool of the Worldwide Capitalist Conspiracy!