Monday, August 24, 2009

First High-Value Detainee Interrogation Group (HIP) Log Obtained

The Obama Administration has decided to put interrogations of top-ranking human-caused political catastrophes (or whatever insipid euphemism they're using now for TERRORISTS) under a new group answerable only to the White House.

Below is a transcript of an Interrogation Log using the new Rules For Guest Combatant Questioning obtained by The Dread Pundit Bluto from a confidential source.



17 AUGUST 2009

The detainee arrives at the interrogation lounge. His sunglasses are removed and he is seated in an overstuffed La-Z-Boy recliner with massage option. SGT A and SGT R are the interrogators. A DoD linguist and MAJ L (BSCT) are present. MS Z (Amnesty International) is present as an observer. MR H (ESQUIRE) is present as detainee counsel.
Session begins. Detainee is given a mocha latté grandé and offered a selection of croissants and pastries. Detainee sips mocha latté grandé and complains that it is too hot. Detainee spits mouthful (appr. 2 oz.) into SGT R 's face, calls him "infidel goat-lover". MS Z (AI) demands that SGT R check temperature of beverage. SGT R determines that the mocha latté grandé is five (5) degrees fahrenheit above optimum serving temperature and apologizes to detainee. MS Z (AI) states for the record that detainee is being abused according to the Durbin Conventions. MR L (ESQUIRE) states that a complaint of the "Nazi-like" treatment will be filed.
SGT A tells detainee that information from other sources implicates detainee in plot to detonate nuclear device somewhere in Manhattan, asks detainee for details of plot. Detainee denies involvement, but states that he hopes that the bomb will have enough power to, "...wipe all of the filthy infidel pork-eaters off the face of Allah's Earth." SGT A remonstrates with detainee, stating that "many innocents" will perish in attack and asks for detainee's help in preventing "...this horrible terrorist outrage." Detainee selects a pastry.
MS Z (AI) and MR L (ESQUIRE) call halt to interrogation. MR L (ESQUIRE) strenuously objects to use of term "terrorist" by SGT A . MS Z (AI) criticizes SGT A for "...applying Western values..." to detainee and notes that potential civilian victims of alleged plot are engaged in work to "...further the schemes of the capitalist warmongers of Western hegemonic imperialism." SGT A apologizes for "thoughtless characterization". MS Z (AI) demands that SGT A direct his apology to detainee. SGT A complies.
Session ends. Detainee is returned to Guest Suite. Detainee notes that, the previous night, air conditioning in Guest Suite was set at 73 degrees fahrenheit and that Room Service served him filet mignon that was well done when he specifically requested medium rare. MR L (ESQUIRE) states for record that a complaint will be filed and he will "...see that this inhuman gulag is closed down".
Parody (duh), and still sweet after its original posting in 2005.