And the Seas Shall Engulf You, Vile Sinners!

Thou shalt be scourged with Fire and Water, Wind and Ice! Feckless nomads shalt thou become, doomed to roam the dying Earth with nowhere to rest thy weary and unworthy heads...

Patrick Ishmael from The NewsBuckit shares the remarkably alarmist pre-commencement address inflicted upon him and his classmates at St. Louis University:

As global temperatures rise, many things will happen that will in your lifetime change the world that we live in. Climate belts will shift northward, so that crops you see growing here may be better grown in Canada. Will the degrees you have earned in Arts and Sciences help you deal with the degrees of global warming that are predicted for the planet, and prepare you to help our nation deal with shifting agricultural and economic trends? How will populations, cities and towns react, when the core of their existence, agriculture, moves north? How will you use your SLU education to help the nation deal with these changes?

This is just a sample of the punishments that shall be visited upon those sons of man who commit blasphemy against the Church of Gaia, according to the speaker, who might be more at home preaching fire and brimstone at a charismatic snake handler tent revival.

Read the rest here.