Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Waterboarding Disclosure Authorized by President

Waterboarding, the controversial interrogation technique so hideous and maniacal that only specially trained hippies are allowed to undergo it in public, is back in the news:
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. President George W. Bush authorized the CIA to give its most detailed public account of its use of a widely condemned interrogation technique known as waterboarding, the White House said on Wednesday.

CIA Director Michael Hayden testified before Congress on Tuesday that government interrogators used waterboarding, often described as simulated drowning, on three suspects captured after the September 11 attacks of 2001.
And, of course, America's own Berkeley City Council-style jackass, slanderous assnugget, and terrorist-sympathizer, Dick Durbin is happy to put in his two euros:
Sen. Dick Durbin, an Illinois Democrat and judiciary committee member, demanded that Attorney General Michael Mukasey investigate the CIA waterboarding and vowed to delay the nomination for Mukasey's deputy until the attorney general responds to that and other issues.
Which leads me to repost this transcript of a Durbin style interrogation:

Below is a transcript of an Interrogation Log using the Durbin Rules For Guest Combatant Questioning obtained by The Dread Pundit Bluto from a confidential source.



17 AUGUST 2008

The detainee arrives at the interrogation lounge. His sunglasses are removed and he is seated in an overstuffed La-Z-Boy recliner with massage option. SGT A and SGT R are the interrogators. A DoD linguist and MAJ L (BSCT) are present. MS Z (Amnesty International) is present as an observer. MR H (ESQUIRE) is present as detainee counsel.
Session begins. Detainee is given a mocha latté grandé and offered a selection of croissants and pastries. Detainee sips mocha latté grandé and complains that it is too hot. Detainee spits mouthful (appr. 2 oz.) into SGT R 's face, calls him "infidel goat-lover". MS Z (AI) demands that SGT R check temperature of beverage. SGT R determines that the mocha latté grandé is five (5) degrees fahrenheit above optimum serving temperature and apologizes to detainee. MS Z (AI) states for the record that detainee is being abused according to the Durbin Conventions. MR L (ESQUIRE) states that a complaint of the "Nazi-like" treatment will be filed.
SGT A tells detainee that information from other sources implicates detainee in plot to detonate nuclear device somewhere in Manhattan, asks detainee for details of plot. Detainee denies involvement, but states that he hopes that the bomb will have enough power to, "...wipe all of the filthy infidel pork-eaters off the face of Allah's Earth." SGT A remonstrates with detainee, stating that "many innocents" will perish in attack and asks for detainee's help in preventing "...this horrible terrorist outrage." Detainee selects a pastry.
MS Z (AI) and MR L (ESQUIRE) call halt to interrogation. MR L (ESQUIRE) strenuously objects to use of term "terrorist" by SGT A . MS Z (AI) criticizes SGT A for "...applying Western values..." to detainee and notes that potential civilian victims of alleged plot are engaged in work to "...further the schemes of the capitalist warmongers of Western hegemonic imperialism." SGT A apologizes for "thoughtless characterization". MS Z (AI) demands that SGT A direct his apology to detainee. SGT A complies.
Session ends. Detainee is returned to Guest Suite. Detainee notes that, the previous night, air conditioning in Guest Suite was set at 73 degrees fahrenheit and that Room Service served him filet mignon that was well done when he specifically requested medium rare. MR L (ESQUIRE) states for record that a complaint will be filed and he will "...see that this inhuman gulag is closed down".

Parody (duh).