Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Al Qaeda Promises Fairplay on Future Terror Attacks

Al Qaeda spokesman Abu Graih al Roustah has released the following message:

In the name of Allah (swt), the most merciful, the most compassionate, who will help us to drink the blood of all infidels even unto their tiniest babies, who provides us with delightfully compliant and sexy goats...

We at al Qaeda have been distressed by the recent upheavals within the Great Satan's airport security system. Sure, we like the occasional spectacular like 9/11, but we are not monsters. We never intended to cause hardship to America's hardworking business traveler class.

In the spirit of brotherhood, and so that perhaps you will recognize the worthiness of becoming one with the Ummah, we hereby proclaim that it is only fitting that al Qaeda martyrs recognize certain basic principles of fairplay in our undending war against you sons of pigs and apes.

Therefore, we declare it is now haram for any martyr of Allah to place explosives or weapons in his genital area (we got some bad press from that underwear pinhead and the anus bomber in Saudi). Our lions of Islam will take care to place their contraband items only in areas that the average American would feel comfortable having searched.

Additionally, we feel certain other tactics would be unsporting and hereby foreswear:

* Sending any of the Ummah under the age of fifteen or over the age of sixty-five on martyr missions
* Using stolen religious garb of People of the Book to disguise our warriors
* Renting or stealing the uniforms of pilots or flight attendants
* Assigning any of our Chechen brothers or caucasian Islamic converts to destroy the works of the Great Satan
* Planting explosives in the carry-on bags of unwary travellers
* Concealing explosives in wheelchairs or prosthetic devices

Seriously, we realize that this kind of crap is just terribly, terribly unfair and you can feel free to adjust your security procedures accordingly.

We do thank that portion of the flying infidels who have worked so hard to undermine their own brethren at the checkpoints and, Insh'Allah, we shall succeed again as spectacularly as we did nine years ago. But we'll be sporting about it.

We hope that this helps American air travellers to enjoy a better flying experience and avoid the tedious delays that have so bedeviled them in recent years. After all, we are not heartless beasts.

May Allah claim your vile souls and cast you into the pit of eternal torment.