Monday, March 13, 2006

George Clooney as: 'The Liberal' (Translated)

George Clooney is holding forth at The Huffington Post. Here's a helpful translation from the original La-La-land dialect:
I Am a Liberal. There, I Said It!

I am a liberal. And I make no apologies for it. Hell, I'm proud of it.
Translation: Because I make my living pretending to be other people I use exclamation points to let you know when I'm being serious. I am assuming a role announcing a political orientation that allows me to have ready-made positions on all issues without having to think about them. I have even had some great pretend debates on liberal issues. So there.
Too many people run away from the label. They whisper it like you'd whisper "I'm a Nazi." Like it's dirty word. But turn away from saying "I'm a liberal" and it's like you're turning away from saying that blacks should be allowed to sit in the front of the bus, that women should be able to vote and get paid the same as a man, that McCarthy was wrong, that Vietnam was a mistake. And that Saddam Hussein had no ties to al-Qaeda and had nothing to do with 9/11.
Translation: No need to think about issues, just remember: Liberals good, non-liberals evil.
This is an incredibly polarized time (wonder how that happened?). But I find that, more and more, people are trying to find things we can agree on. And, for me, one of the things we absolutely need to agree on is the idea that we're all allowed to question authority. We have to agree that it's not unpatriotic to hold our leaders accountable and to speak out.
Translation: If only the Party lawyers had found more dangling chads in 2000 we'd be living in Paradise.
That's one of the things that drew me to making a film about Murrow. When you hear Murrow say, "We mustn't confuse dissent with disloyalty" and "We can't defend freedom at home by deserting it at home," it's like he's commenting on today's headlines.
Translation: Remember, while issues are complex and confusing, you can never go wrong by simply opposing anything non-liberals try to accomlish.
The fear of been [sic] criticized can be paralyzing. Just look at the way so many Democrats caved in the run up to the war. In 2003, a lot of us were saying, where is the link between Saddam and bin Laden? What does Iraq have to do with 9/11? We knew it was bullshit. Which is why it drives me crazy to hear all these Democrats saying, "We were misled." It makes me want to shout, "Fuck you, you weren't misled. You were afraid of being called unpatriotic."
Translation: Screw the brown people who aren't liberals, even if helping them helps us.
Bottom line: it's not merely our right to question our government, it's our duty. Whatever the consequences. We can't demand freedom of speech then turn around and say, But please don't say bad things about us. You gotta be a grown up and take your hits.
Translation: Despite the fact that I've just been whining about people saying bad things about us, evil non-liberal people are going to say bad things about us.
I am a liberal. Fire away.
Translation: I feel guilty for being paid so much money to pretend to be other people, but see how brave I am? Please go see my movies.

Also posted at The Jawa Report and Vince Aut Morire.