Sunday, March 27, 2005

Won't Somebody Please Think of the Children?

The GM Onstar guilt trip
Look, I like GM products - I've got a Pontiac and two Buicks sitting in the driveway. And I don't have anything against advertising, being an adman myself. But being an adman, I'm deeply offended by manipulative, over-the-top ads for useless, overpriced products - especially if the copywriting is bad. You've probably heard the Onstar radio ads that feature shrieking hysterical grannies who have just hit a deer and don't know what to do (get a gun, finish the deer off, then get it butchered, you whiny, simple-minded old bag). The TV spots feature adorable, precocious moppets from central casting who whine endlessly about hypothetical horrors that you might encounter.

Adorable, precocious moppets have repulsed me ever since being traumatized as a child by old Shirley Temple movies. This is why the GM Onstar campaign makes me grit my teeth. Adorable, precocious moppets hawking an overpriced product that's only useful to stupid, hysterical imbeciles. Well, I have some answers for their stupid, rhetorical questions.

Adorable Moppet One: Who will call 911 when the airbags go off?

The Dread Pundit Bluto: Are you kidding me? With the number of cell phones out there, the 911 switchboard will be jammed within 30 seconds of any accident that pops the airbags. Why don't you just flush Mommy's money down the toilet?

Adorable Moppet Two: Who will tell us if the "check engine" light is something serious?

The Dread Pundit Bluto: Not your useless, effeminate Daddy. That's why they call them "idiot lights". Tell Daddy to talk to a mechanic. It'll probably cost him less than an Onstar call. Here's a quarter; go kick Daddy in the balls. Tell him I said he's a stupid pussy.

Adorable Moppet Three: Who will help us when we get lost?

The Dread Pundit Bluto: No one. You're all going to die screaming, after drug addicts rape you. Or, you could have Mommy and Daddy pull into that gas station over there. Unless they really want to pay seventy dollars for information they could get off a three-ninety-five gas station map.

Adorable Moppet Four: Who will unlock the car after we lock the keys inside?

The Dread Pundit Bluto: Here's a clue. Tell Mommy to make a spare key and put it in her purse. Can you remember that? Of course you can't, I forgot what a pair of inbred hicks your parents are. I'll write it down for you. On your forehead.

Adorable Moppet Five: Who will locate our car after it gets car-jacked...with my little brother in the back seat?

The Dread Pundit Bluto: If there's any justice in the universe the car-jacker will come back and eliminate your entire ignorant family from the gene pool. Failing that, tell Mommy that when she sees somebody waving a gun, the pedal on the right is the one she wants. Push it to the floor. And always steer into the slimeball. If she cries and says it was an accident, insurance will pay to fix the dent and the broken windshield.

Onstar plans can cost as much as $69.95 per month. That's a lot of maps and spare keys.